30 August 2010 @ 11:02 pm
With Cheeks As Red As Battered Buttocks  
Title: With Cheeks As Red As Battered Buttocks
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Pairings: Haldir/Legolas, Elladan/Haldir (kind of), Elladan/Elrohir
Words: ~1,440
Warnings: None.
Rating: R
Summary: Elladan decides to have a little fun with Haldir during a dinner attended by elves from every realm.
Disclaimer: Belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.
Prompt: humiliation (verbal) via [info]kink_bingo {my card} (one more left!)
Author Notes: Poor Haldir in this one. :) A humor piece. Although I'm normally not fond of incest pairings, for some reason I've been finding Elladan/Elrohir appealing.


Elladan couldn’t keep his eyes off the couple. He had to admit to himself that they were a darling pair, even if he had to question the prince’s choice of a mate: a guard of Lórien, son of a commoner elf. He seemed out of place in the dinner table, trying too hard to fit in with the other elves of higher prestige. More amusing was the knowledge that Haldir was much older than him, Elladan, and yet he still grew nervous when under the careful eyes of the great elf lords of Rivendell.

Elladan had nothing against Haldir, though the same could not be said about the Lórien elf, all in thanks to a little misunderstanding that had taken place between them the first time they met. It still brought a smile to Elladan at the memory of Haldir’s face glowing deep red. He must have been smiling again, because Elrohir looked up at him then, wishing to know what was amusing him. Elladan shook his head as a response, and his brother dropped the unspoken question.

He turned his attention back to the silver-haired elf. He could begin to see what Legolas loved so much about him. He was a walking contradiction, much like the prince himself: an adventurer, one who broke boundaries that normally confined other elves of his status, one who befriends races elves did not approve of, and the list of peculiarities went on. And despite his charm, his cool demeanor that others could mistake for vanity, and his bottomless courage, he still managed to be the timid little son of a carpenter who spent his elfing years catching fish in the lakes (Elladan had a most amusing conversation with Lady Galadriel concerning his youth.)

But Haldir was no longer the jolly fat elfling trying to imitate the bears’ fishing techniques. He was cleanly dressed and scooping soup into his spoon, taking care not to overflow the utensil with hot liquid; then with great care he sipped while trying hard not to make a single sound, for he was a loud eater in his youth and had to learn proper table manners. The hilarious sight was enough to get Elladan laughing. How much fun he was going to have with this elf!

“My dear Haldir, you eat so little!” Elladan said brightly, laughing heartily. He filled his glass with wine and held it up. “I would never have thought you to be a light eater  with that great roundness in your belly!”

Legolas looked between the two elves in confusion. “Why is he commenting about Haldir being overweight?” he thought. “I happen to like playing with Haldir’s belly...” He smiled inwardly, thinking of all the times he’s licked honey from Haldir’s stomach.

Haldir, meanwhile, just stared at Elladan, his expression unreadable. Elladan fought not to break his resolve under the piercing gaze of Haldir, who was undoubtedly remembering the circumstance of their last meeting. “There is a lot one can never derive from another by simply appearance,” he said finally. “Looks can be deceiving, as Men say. Even as one of Lothlórien’s top watchful guards, I cannot see all that lurks inside your own heart.” He raised his own glass to Elladan before taking a sip.

“I am sure there are a few things that pass under your nose when you are too busy stuffing your face!”

Elrohir cracked a smile, glancing at his brother in slight confusion.

“Stuffing your face...” Legolas thought, and a grin came upon him as he remembered some nights when Haldir got a mouthful of his erection. He wiggled in his seat, fighting off the heat that was gathering down below. He poured himself another glass of wine and drained it, hoping it to get his mind off the naughty memories.

Elrond glanced up at his son, giving him a warning look; but Galadriel touched his arm lightly and passed on a silent message to him.

“Oh, I assure you there has never been anything that my eyes have missed,” Haldir said, “for I have never wasted my time reserved for training by frolicking with my brothers in places we were not meant to be.”

The grin disappeared from Elrohir’s face, turning into a look of small horror. Elladan turned pink, glancing at his brother. “How did he know?” they asked one another in silence. Elladan turned to his father in fright, and his face burned redder at the expression he found in Lord Elrond’s eyes.

Haldir was smiling smugly. “As I said, there is none that pass my eyes undetected.”

Legolas leaned into him, giggling lightly. He had already drunk five glasses of wine, and the world in his eyes were becoming distorted.

Elrond was still giving his sons looks that were enough to cower them under their seats. Elladan emptied his glass, refilled it, and drank some more before he responded.

“No matter the case, it fills me with pride to know that your performance could never match my own!” It was such a daring thing to utter in the presence of his father. Galadriel was pretending that she did not hear a thing, humming silently as she coaxed Celeborn, startled by the events, to have more from the fruit bowl.

Elrond’s patience was wearing thin, but to protect his sons’ honor he sought the best way to drop the conversation. “Yes, Lord Celeborn, the fruit here is exceptionally delicious. Our gardeners have handpicked only the best-”

“Haldir is amazing in bed,” Legolas suddenly blurted, glaring at Elladan. Haldir groaned inwardly, wishing he had ignored Elladan’s taunting and focused on controlling how much his lover drank instead, for Haldir knew how things always ended up when Legolas got drunk.

Legolas leaned against Haldir, knocking down his spoon. “Aren’t you, Haldir? Simply the best lover among elves! Yes, but I would prefer it if you didn’t make those sounds like a strangled bird!”

Elrohir fell off his chair in his mirth. Every other attendant turned their gaze to the floor in embarrassment, with some others - mainly the eldest members -  just chuckled amongst themselves at the younger elves.

Elladan was laughing an incredible amount, not at all becoming of a son of a great elf lord. He drowned five more glasses of wine while mumbling incoherent rambles about Haldir’s bed manners. Rúmil and Orophin were giving Haldir sympathetic looks, but Haldir could see the snickers hidden behind their facade.

Haldir took a deep breath to steady himself. “As you have heard, my performance is unmatched by any elf in existence! This is a knowledge I carry with honor.”

But this did not stop Elladan, who pounded his fists on the table as he guffawed uncontrollably. “So he says with cheeks as red as battered buttocks!”

Legolas tittered. “Oh, I do love battering his -”

Haldir laughed loudly to drain out the rest of Legolas’s words. “How many glasses of wine have you had already, Elladan? Perhaps you should stop or your brain will become like that of an Orc!”

“I would like to lick wine off your body, Haldir,” Legolas whispered, purring into his lover’s ear.

Haldir gave him a playful slap on the knee. “Easy, Legolas. Elrohir heard you.”

“Let him. It isn’t like half of Lothlórien had not heard us making love already!” He giggled madly. “You know what other funny sounds you make when you’re humping me? There’s one where you’re like a hog being chased around the forest! Like this!” And he gave his best imitation, turning Haldir’s already red face brighter.

One of the Lórien elves coughed as a response, hiding behind his snickers. Haldir groaned, wishing Elrond could do something to end this conversation, for not one of the younger elves held back their howls of laughter this time around.

Thankfully, it was Elladan who ended the torturous session. He took another drink of wine, but as he was still laughing the liquid went the wrong way. Elrond went to slap him on the back, dragging him to his feet.

“Elrohir, come with me,” he said emotionlessly. Elrohir’s grin faltered, dreading the conversation they were about to have with their father, but he obediently followed them anyway. Galadriel still pretended nothing out of the ordinary had happened just moments before, and Celeborn was trying to follow his wife’s example.

No one else spoke to Haldir, whose face was still burning red. He was finding it hard to hold onto his spoon, so shaken were his fingers. Legolas was still giggling as his head lolled on top of Haldir’s shoulder. He had thankfully quieted down for the most part, but occasionally Haldir could hear him mumbling amusedly to himself, “Like battered buttocks!”